Sunday 21 March 2010

Discovering Loudon Wainright III

I woke up today and realised that in about a month and a half I will be completely finished my three year degree. The time has flown and it came as quite a shock to discover that I am not looking forward to returning home.

I left for uni, filled with all the fire of someone who wanted to experience more in life. I presummed like many my age that uni was the automatic, and obvious natural step after high school. I also presummed that I was going to meet new friends that I will never lose, party hard, break laws, ride in trolleys, steal traffic cones, and experiment with everything I had not done before. I basically had a preconceived idea (from the television, and cinema) what uni would involve.

I was young and foolishly immature. I will let the world in on a little, not so secret, secret; uni is not all its cracked up to be.


I was a year older, and a year wiser when I came. My life was deeply focused around music, art, literature, festivals and the people I loved. I wasnt devastated at leaving home, I emptily packed and walked out without a backward glance with the certainty of someone who knew what they wanted.

When I got there nobody had anything in common with me, and I suddenly realised I had already done all the things that the kids around me were doing for the first time. Drugs, Alcohol, sex, theft, all nighters till sunrise, kissing in the rain, Standing on rooftops at dawn, in depth chats about life with total strangers, Trolley rides, and cones. I had been doing it without realising for nearly 6 years with people that I realise now will always be there; age,time and actions be damned. I became everyones mother, the one who people came to for advice, or help. The one who could never get drunk enough because my tolerance was the highest. The one who carried you home, tucked you into bed, dried tears and made cups of tea.

My time at university was a trial by fire, not fun. At the time of me starting I was right in the centre of one of the most important relationship I have ever experienced in my entire life with someone who has effected me completely and who I know I will always love in a way that can never be changed. But it was also a relationship I always knew would end, because as sad and pathetic as it sounds, I beleive there is one person for everyone and he wasnt built for me regardless of how much I changed myself to fit him.
Ending things with him broke something inside of me, and the subsequent death of a family member that was preceded by one of the hardest summers I have ever experienced, pushed me to question not only the point of existing at all but who I was and what I wanted.

I beleive that you do not really know who you are until you are faced with being at the very lowest point; broken and completely alone, waking in the morning faced with the reality of your own flaws, mistakes and mortality.Where for a second you wish that you had not awoken at all and that the life you were living wasnt real.


I spent my time at uni rebuilding myself, learning what was most important and finding the things that I truly love.

I came to uni to experience life and I know I got what I asked for, just not in the same way as everyone else.

I do not think that higher education is the most natural step after High School. Nor do I think that everyone is capable of it. The course I chose was something I had always been passionate about and it is only now that I fully appreciate how intensely I grasp and understand the essence of my subject. I know this is what I have always meant to do, and what I will do for the rest of my life. It switches me on, fills me with wonder and I joke to people that sometimes I feel so electrified I could light up europe.

I work, earn my keep, pay my rent, and live happily as well as doing uniwork. I am independant and I am not afraid of being alone, infact sometimes I prefer it to being in the company of people who I dont connect with.

Do what you feel passionate about, not what is expected of you. Do not conform, rise against the expectations that surround you and make your own way, go where there is no path and leave a trail.

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