November 17th 2009.

Loss can break a person, leaving them empty and lost themselves. Angry and exhausted you push people away; shutting them out and hoping that you can heal yourself. This works for a while, and you pretend that you are better, smiling emptily at jokes, and reassuring people you are ok. But 'ok' is not an emotion, or a state of being. Mediocre may not be bad but it is not good either.
I have tried to heal myself with meaningless company, filling the hole that you left behind with empty hollow encounters and meaningless acts. Yet I am still empty, still hollow.
I dont have faith in Love anymore. I see what people are trying to do, the stages and roles being played out. Eager faces expectant of a response fitting to the game being played. I dont want to play games.


He understood. Together we fixed parts of ourselves. There was no expectation. It was not a great love affair. We trusted and loved already. We did not heal eachothers wounds but soothed them so we could move forward.

Oscar Wilde said "Nowadays most people die of a creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are ones Mistakes."

He has a good point. I do not regret what happened. Because of him I am less broken, less Lost. It does not mean I am less alone just not empty.
I dont want to look back and regret all the things I didnt do. If I did I may never recover from breaking my own heart.

It had to be done in a way, I knew what I was doing when I crossed the line. I knew there would be no going back. In one swift move I killed your love stone dead. You cant forgive me now, you cant trust me now, you cant be with me now, you cant love me now.